How can you determine if you've lost yourself? How do you determine if you've slowly given into who you aren't? How do you determine who you are? Is it possible to monitor yourself as you walk through life?
I feel as if I've lost who I am. I feel as if I've given into the same society that forced me to into the person that I loved. I have never taken just one opinion in any situation. I am a collection of influences of everyone and everything new that I encounter and am proud of that. I have always had to fight for things that people were handed, never needing recognition. My satisfaction came from myself. I have lost the most elemental part of who I am because I failed at one thing. I gave into image and cultural boundaries that were set for me that I never once followed, and I can't really explain why.
I grew up in a Jamaican household where the majority of women ended up as housewives(if the family could afford it), nurses, bankers, or teachers. I was taught things like how to cross my legs, how to size my food into small enough chunks before eating it, NOT to whistle, and how NOT to talk. I still know these things and because it was constantly reinforced I find these lessons lingering in the back of my mind as I'm breaking the rules of how to be a lady. I remember how, as a child my father told me to just be around my mother (as she was in the kitchen) instead of being in the garage with him, and how they both had to STRONGLY urge me to play with my dolls. And when I played with my dolls they generally only had sex, and it was generally in an imaginary car or a park. It was the only thing that made it seem more interesting. To be perfectly honest, I liked hanging out with my father because he was more fun and our personalities matched better, and I personally thought my mother was "not a good idea."
In the lesbian community, you'll find that there are a lot of couples that have a masculine female and a more feminine female, and they, a lot of times, dress the respective part. There's a lot of stress put on females to conform to a particular role, complete with their stereotypical hobbies like "studs" like cars, can fix things, and take out the trash, and fems that cook, clean, and "take care of" the stud. There are many arguments that stem from this within the actual community. In my opinion, ideally a lesbian is female that only dates females. The dynamic of needing have a masculine role in the relationship is completely unnecessary, but to each her own. Here's my problem with this:
I tend to sacrifice this very opinion in order to get the girl. There are a lot of studs that will only date fems and vice versa. So a lot of times in order to get the stud, the girl has to act more girly. I have switched up my fashion style...or tried to adopt one, that is. I have done the cooking and the cleaning, and the "help me I don't wanna/can't change my flat tire." I find myself subjecting myself to the same shit hetero bitches do in order to make a man feel like a man. I know how to fix a flat tire, and I know how to check my oil. I lose myself in the idea that if I don't stroke this stud's ego that I'll lose her. When really I'm not being who I really am with her anyway, so the entire relationship is damned before I ever got into it. I'll never actually feel free enough to be myself.That's fucking deep.
I've had the same issue when it comes to dating women. It seems that lesbians trap themselves in these hetero gender role boxes, even though we're not hetero at all! When it comes to dating, most assume and expect me to "play the part" based on the way that I appear. To be honest with you, I learned how to put gas in a car last year, and I don't know how to change a tire. And because I don't play the expected role, my dating life has been shot to shit. My only advice to you is not to change who you are or sacrifice your style or personality to mold into someone else's expectations because there is someone out there that will love you exactly the way you are. Gwen Stefani says in the No Doubt song, "If you were meant to be my lover, i wouldn't have to change you." I agree with her 100%.
ReplyDelete*** The song by No Doubt is called "Ex-Girlfriend.***
ReplyDeleteThis is just an opinion but from a logical stand point i can understand why it's hard for gays and lesbians to break the male-female roles: it's because that's the natural order of things in the first place. It's the basest of concepts engraved in your x & y chromosomes even if your mind switched over. Sure your mind is attracted to other females, but your body is a female and the bottom line is that it's made for a man. So feminine lesbians still like that masculine element, despite not liking men :/. Your concept of the ideal lesbian is what would make more sense if they don't like men at all... but everyone has a physiological disposition (unless you have both organs). Perhaps the core of the confusion comes from turning away from your natural disposition?
ReplyDeletenone of that is meant to offend, & i'm not homophobic or a hater of gays, & I'm not telling you to change. I'm just thinking objectively.
~ tygersoul
Objectively speaking, I wouldn't reduce it all down to x&y chromosomes. I find it unlikely that chromosomes are solely responsible for something as in depth as someone's sexuality. If anything, in my opinion, the notion of masculine and feminine roles is more societal. Even in heterosexual relationship, it is "off or weird" for the female to be responsible for stereotypical masculine duties and the male to responsible for the more feminine tasks. Society deems these things as "role reversals" because it doesn't "fit" into their "natural construct" of what a normal relationship should be.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, there are a plethora of reasons why women like more masculine women. However, one should take into consideration that there are men that are more attracted to masculine women as well. That doesn't make them gay, or questionably gay. It's a difference in personalities. Throwing out the notion of something as foolish and rudimentary as a "gay/homosexual" gene, the X&Y chromosomes bear very little relevance in this discussion.
I believe that the core of the confusion comes from the social constructs that tell people how they are supposed to behave, like, dislike, dress, and believe in. By merely not fitting into to their constructs, that makes me unnatural? I disagree.
nono, I'm saying that I believe gender is relevant to sexuality and most ppl identify moreso with either one or the other. I think that it has a big part to do with the hetero gender roles within homosexual relationships because aside from social constructs, there is a need for gender identity. I think you were more focused on the mental aspect and I was focused on the physical.
ReplyDeleteJust like stereotypes, those constructs had to originate from somewhere... Even though they are never always right and are usually offensive. For example: the most basic roles of a man and a woman from tribes thousands of years ago. Their duties were divided by physical differences. Currently things aren't the same of course, and the gender playing field in society has evened out, but those kinds of primal ideas about roles are still present. I don't personally think it's right or wrong. It just is. And it's necessary to be able to think outside of it.
I agree with what you say about social constructs in gender roles & behaviors. But do you think that gender itself is a social construct??
~tygersoul
that is fucking deep. and bullshit
ReplyDelete