Revelation...

How can you determine if you've lost yourself? How do you determine if you've slowly given into who you aren't? How do you determine who you are? Is it possible to monitor yourself as you walk through life?

I feel as if I've lost who I am. I feel as if I've given into the same society that forced me to into the person that I loved. I have never taken just one opinion in any situation. I am a collection of influences of everyone and everything new that I encounter and am proud of that. I have always had to fight for things that people were handed, never needing recognition. My satisfaction came from myself. I have lost the most elemental part of who I am because I failed at one thing. I gave into image and cultural boundaries that were set for me that I never once followed, and I can't really explain why.


I grew up in a Jamaican household where the majority of women ended up as housewives(if the family could afford it), nurses, bankers, or teachers. I was taught things like how to cross my legs, how to size my food into small enough chunks before eating it, NOT to whistle, and how NOT to talk. I still know these things and because it was constantly reinforced I find these lessons lingering in the back of my mind as I'm breaking the rules of how to be a lady. I remember how, as a child my father told me to just be around my mother (as she was in the kitchen) instead of being in the garage with him, and how they both had to STRONGLY urge me to play with my dolls. And when I played with my dolls they generally only had sex, and it was generally in an imaginary car or a park. It was the only thing that made it seem more interesting. To be perfectly honest, I liked hanging out with my father because he was more fun and our personalities matched better, and I personally thought my mother was "not a good idea."

In the lesbian community, you'll find that there are a lot of couples that have a masculine female and a more feminine female, and they, a lot of times, dress the respective part. There's a lot of stress put on females to conform to a particular role, complete with their stereotypical hobbies like "studs" like cars, can fix things, and take out the trash, and fems that cook, clean, and "take care of" the stud. There are many arguments that stem from this within the actual community. In my opinion, ideally a lesbian is female that only dates females. The dynamic of needing have a masculine role in the relationship is completely unnecessary, but to each her own. Here's my problem with this:

I tend to sacrifice this very opinion in order to get the girl. There are a lot of studs that will only date fems and vice versa. So a lot of times in order to get the stud, the girl has to act more girly. I have switched up my fashion style...or tried to adopt one, that is. I have done the cooking and the cleaning, and the "help me I don't wanna/can't change my flat tire." I find myself subjecting myself to the same shit hetero bitches do in order to make a man feel like a man. I know how to fix a flat tire, and I know how to check my oil. I lose myself in the idea that if I don't stroke this stud's ego that I'll lose her. When really I'm not being who I really am with her anyway, so the entire relationship is damned before I ever got into it. I'll never actually feel free enough to be myself.

That's fucking deep.

Lesbian Look

So in my boredom, I went to the Borders bookstore and tried to find their gay/lesbian/transgender section. When I found it about 20 minutes later, it was on one shelf. Upon closer inspection, it didn't even take up the whole shelf, in fact, of the almost 10 books they had it went as follows: a book about Stonewall, 5 or so gay boy books and around 2 lesbian books, no transgender books. Now of the around two lesbian books, one was a book on cunnilingus, and the pictures were of man performing cunnilingus on a woman. How about that? Now this section was cushioned by books about sex because the perceptions of lesbians revolve around three basic ideas: 1) It's for ugly women (the rejects). 2) It's for angry women that have been wronged by men. 3) Two women together are purely for male entertainment. On the left side and below "the shelf" were all books about sex, performing sex, and maximizing her orgasm. On the right, were books discussing the psychology of sexuality. Great. The point I want to make is that basically that the male society just boils lesbians down to being "hot", they (men) get mad about the relationship part of it only when we make it clear that we won't sleep with them, but other than that it's just hot, right?

My opinion....it is hot.

I decided to stake out the "gay section".

**Funny note** when I got to the "sex" section of the bookstore, there was a middle aged white man looking (he had been standing there for a while). He stood there for a while, moving out of my way and apologizing in some type of effort to show that he was ok being there. In no more than 1 minute, he was gone. I almost left so he could have his naughty moment to buy that karma sutra book I know he was eyeing for himself to use on his wife (he QUICKLY passed by later with her), but I didn't. I liked making him feel awkward.**

I saw one female that looked kinda butch make her way over to "the area". I had to find out if she was going to look at "the shelf" to confirm my suspicions. **FYI not all butch looking girls are lesbians** She actually had a comfy spot picked out on the other side of "the shelf", clearly interested in another topic. Hmmm...so after I continued to read a gay/lesbian book for a while. I decided to go and linger in front of the shelf to see if I could strike up a convo. Nothing. Zilch. I even did the sexy reach up for that book on "the shelf", nothing. Funny. I amaze myself sometimes.

NOW the point of this blog was to tell you about a story that enlightened me. The name of the book was called Same Sex in the City I'm sure some of you have heard of it. Anyway, in the first chapter, there was a story from a woman in New York. She said that she dressed up very femininely with the stilettos and dresses and everything, and she always went to these ritzy little debutante social gatherings. Her observation was that she was the only lesbian at the event, mainly because they all dressed girly. However, she pointed out that she clearly looks "straight" too, so perhaps she isn't the only lesbian there after all. I realized that I do that too. I never assume girls that don't look OBVIOUSLY gay are gay. I assume they are straight. I am subjecting them to the same bias that I, myself, am a victim of. How horrible. I'm going to start hitting on/talking to any female I find attractive. They might just think my goodies look tastey too. Haha. I might get told off, but hell at least I tried.