In the beginning...

I remember when I had this overwhelming feeling of love and beauty. It was never anything I could put into words. I have been in love for a long time it feels like, but it existed without there being another person to trigger it. It just existed. However, I lost it. I didn't really miss it...at least I didn't think so. I think that feeling is the one that feels the best, but I prefer to never have.

I do remember when I went to Mexico, I listened to a lot of Me'Shell Ndegeocello, and I felt like by listening to her music, it continued to trigger that feeling. I was browsing Youtube, and came across this song. I never heard of it before because I was so focused on other songs. Anyhow, this is it.

Sexual Harassment in the workplace

I have been sexually harassed at every job that I've ever had, and it SUCKS! In my experience, it's been mostly from men. I just wanted to point out that it sucks. It happens even when you don't dress like a ho or say/entertain inappropriate conversation, it just happens. I remember dressing more like a shabby bum so as to bring less attention to myself, but that doesn't work. It's not that you have to be attractive, you just have to be what "they" want. "They" are predators. You didn't actually have to "do" anything. "They" do it all themselves. What really ticks me off are the women that don't want to believe you or say that, in some way, shape or form, you are enabling the situation. It's hard when the people that are supposed to be there to protect you don't want to hear it.

I quit my jobs only when the situation has gotten so bad that I don't feel comfortable being there. Like it's gotten so bad where you feel like you can't say anything to anybody.

My main option when I'm put in a horrible situation is to play it off like nothing happened, like "You're silly, man. It's all good." *hug* or *pat* I over compensate to make sure that a) they don't get violent and b) to make sure that they don't pick up on the fact that I'm completely mortified of you. If I freak out then you'll know there's a problem and might try to stay longer to "talk to me" or proactively start a lie to protect your name. Oh well...

I just wanted to express myself on that. It SUCKS!!

Watching Mary Magdalene

When I studied abroad, I was obsessed with this artist. Her most popular songs are "Fool of me" from 'Love and Basketball' and "Trust". "Trust" is VERY sexual and can make any environment into an opportunity for a mistake...or the inevitable. However, "Mary Magdalene" always grabbed me. I think it has it's own level of mental struggle. I think my favorite line is "spend one night with me, satisfy me for free and I'll love you endlessly."



The sexuality of Me'Shell Ndegeocello has always been up and down. I think, based on some of her tracks, that her attraction to people is "gender free." Perhaps.

Either way. Enjoy.

Natural barrier

I find it incredibly unfortunate that though Americans have access to learn so much about other cultures they don't. Other countries are fighting for an opportunity to speak their minds or/and learn about other perspectives and concepts that don't exist in their own countries, and Americans don't even try to learn because their lives are consumed with the "capitalistic race." That's how it started with me too. My parents drove doing well in school so I could be successful, not to actually learn anything. I wasn't learning to be actually "like" anything I was learning, I was learning to "choose" something to be successful in. I was reading Elpais.com and noticed that these topics wouldn't stand a fighting chance to make it into the American news.

To be honest, the average American I talk to thinks it's funny that they don't like to read and that they find the news boring. The average American and built a natural barrier around them that blocks any information that blocks out any information that they believe doesn't involve them.

"Globalization (or globalisation) describes the process by which regional economies, societies, and cultures have become integrated through a global network of political ideas through communication, transportation, and trade. The term is most closely associated with the term economic globalization: the integration of national economies into the international economy through trade, foreign direct investment, capital flows, migration, the spread of technology, and military presence.[1] However, globalization is usually recognized as being driven by a combination of economic, technological, sociocultural, political, and biological factors.[2] The term can also refer to the transnational circulation of ideas, languages, or popular culture through acculturation. An aspect of the world which has gone through the process can be said to be globalized.

It's been an ongoing process for other countries to partake in this feat called "globalization" because it's an important to continue to compete in the world's competition for power. However, I believe that because Americans have been too spoiled, selfish, and proud the long term damage of not paying attention to other countries and their circumstances creates and sustains a level of animosity and tension among other countries and the United States. To not even read about the conditions of other countries shows America's own ignorance. I am not looking forward to when Americans will have to pay attention because it will affect their everyday life.

FCKH8 Campaign...

This made me happy. "Don't fuck with my two gay dads."

My reality

This is what it boils down to. My reality, if my play my cards correctly and aggressively, can be what my dreams are. It will just take a lot of work.

Creating my 5 year plan, I think, was one of the best things that I've ever done. It's helping me to constantly remind myself of what I plan to accomplish every day, step by step, and remind me that everything takes time. Every day keep working and trying.

My dreams and my reality can be the same thing.

Decision: Dreams or Reality

This is what it comes down to. It comes down to a choice between what we dream to do/become or what we have to do which isn't generally what we want.

For me, at this moment in my life, I feel like I'm having to give up everything I want in order to survive. It's a constant battle of the "Big Picture." Am I miserable because I'm giving up the things I want right now because it makes more sense to accomplish my goals in the "big picture."
What door do I choose? Can I walk back through the door if it doesn't work out? Would I get another chance?

I often get mad because I feel like the reason why I have to make these decisions between reality and my dreams is because of society. It's gotten so fuzzy to determine exactly what my dreams are anymore.

Michelle Rodriguez

She can be my wife. I heard she's had a girlfriend...or at least a girl toy. For the record, I'll willingly be either, Michelle.

Stayceyann Chin "Feminist or Womanist?"

This is so amazing. Her voice gives me goosebumps. I love it.

Could I start again as a hetero??

Being gay is hard to be sometimes. I was wondering if I could start my life over as a heterosexual female. Let's say I moved where no one knew me, I could start an "easier" life being a heterosexual. Where marriage or dating someone in the military isn't an issue. Where I don't have to worry about having to "come out" about my boyfriend. I'm not making a statement by merely shopping with my significant other in the mall. I don't have to worry about people staring because they don't think I look "normal."

Personally, could I ever be happy with a man? Would I secretly long for a woman? Would I ever feel comfortable in a man's arms or kissing one? Could I have sex with one? I don't know. It would be easier to be heterosexual.

I'm aware of the feeling. The feeling that you get when people tell you that they love you and they "don't mind" that you're gay or it doesn't "bother them," but you know in the back of their minds that they think you're weird or "different." It sucks, it makes you still feel like even though you came out that you still can't be out because you don't want to see, feel, or hear their true sentiments, you want to hold on to the original lie they told you at the beginning. It's nicer. It's better. It's just a lie. Sometimes you're just waiting to hear them say, "Look, I know I told you I was ok with it, but I'm not. I'm sorry."

Sometimes I wish I could fit into what's considered to be "normal" to society, but that's not what makes me happy. Oh well...you can't win 'em all.