Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Goodbye Djarums!!!




So, anyone who knows me knows that the ONLY cigarettes I smoke are Djarums. I have had a love affair with these for years now, I think it was first introduced to me by the first woman who had me sprung. *sigh* Anyhow, I received the horrible news that all flavored cigarettes weren't going to be allowed to be sold in the entire United States after September 22, 2009. I am heartbroken. I started out with Marlboro lights, and it was just that for a while. Then came the Djarums, and the sweet taste on my lips the smooth inhale made everything so much better. In the lesbian world, it made it a lot easier point out which women were gay because those cigarettes are very prevalent in the lesbian community. Now I'm being reduced to rainbow bracelets. I'm never going to get a female again.

Now I was told by a white woman who lives in the country and owns a cigar shop. Apparently she was the only one that carries cloves in the whole town. She said that "Obama thinks that flavored cigarettes are the reason how young people start smoking." Now, her biases are rather obvious, and I would reason to assume that she CLEARLY did not want Obama in the Oval office. So, I will do some research to see exactly how biased she was/is.

I am so hurt that my cigarettes are going away. Should I buy in bulk or should I just try to fade it out from now?

Thursday, July 30, 2009

My rut...



I’m just in the mood to write…about nothing in particular really, just wanted to type. I can’t clear my head so maybe if I keep writing it might. There have been a couple things that come to mind when as I’ve been doing nothing all day. One is why is it that I have to live two separate lives because I’m gay. I’m starting to lose track of all the lies I’ve told…which is really bad because I really hate to lie. I don’t know who it’s ok to tell the truth to, when it’s ok to come out to them, and if it’s ok to finally the truth to people after I’ve lied already.

Facebook is a hell of a website. I just was looking some pictures of a guy I used to date when I was straight a couple of years ago, and I saw his friend. This friend was a horrible human being. He purposefully got my drunk and tried to take advantage of me on more than one occasion. He was the antagonist of this teen movie, just creating drama and tension because he was jealous. Jealous of his best friend. He was responsible for a lot of unnecessary tears, a lot of lies that he started, and for the “incomplete” feeling. You know that feeling when you’re never quite sure what could have happened has that one thing happened? Yea, that feeling. Would I have still been dating the guy? Would I still just be “bi curious”? I feel like posting his miserable picture up here, but it’s not necessary.

I’ve moved back home because basically, I hated my job and wanted to quit so badly. So basically, I pursued anything/anyone that would return my call. Haha. Another sales job. Personally, I hate sales, but I felt like I needed to justify my actions so I made a commitment to do it, and I haven’t made any strides because I don’t want to do it either. Sad huh? I am just lounging about all day. Yes, I still have bills to pay. But I could technically live on 200 bucks a month. Here’s the thing I wanted to travel, I wanted to be able to save and now I have to figure out the best way to do this. Part time job? Full time job and save? Hmmmm….not sure. A full time job would help me to save a lot more a lot faster. And I could budget so that my “rent” would be my savings…Hard part is finding the job. Haha….shame.

I feel really lame, like I’ve failed. I never wanted to move back home ever. I made the vow with myself. Obviously broke that. The air doesn’t work, and if it did, I’m sure my dad wouldn’t use it. There are always bugs, just everywhere. They are dead, but they are everywhere. There are ants everywhere outside, like the big red ones. I’m just grossed out, and because it’s so hot all the time, I feel gross and dirty all the time. Yea, I’m not paying rent, but it sure doesn’t feel like a free ride. Maybe I could work on it, but that’d take a lot of money. A lot of money.

I feel like I just start and stop everything. I never finish anything anymore, and it’s bloody annoying. Maybe I should make a commitment to finish whatever I start that way I start trusting what I say more, for myself. No matter how tedious and gross.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Deprivation


Sex, love, money, alcohol.


These things make the world go around for me and many others that I know. From the beginning, people have been telling me the if I followed a certain path, my life would pan out. There wouldn't be any hinderences or extreme obstacle to block my idea of happiness. I sat down with two of my friends, and were bowled over this topic for a while, trying to carefully choose our words. All three of us had graduated, it was rather close together, but still at different times. I began to explain to the anger and disappointment of how life was supposed to be. I argued that NO ONE told me growing up that even if you did everything that you're supposed to do to have a successful life doesn't mean you actually do. They lied and built me up for a future that might never be. My parents showed me houses that I might never, learned about professions that I might never get an opportunity to be, and gave me a false reality about my own potential to secure a happy stable future. College created a world for me that I never knew was out there. A world that included all those things I started this entry with.


I have made a plethora of mistakes based on the fact that I have felt deprived of them. I have made many decisions in order to get these things back, no matter the consequences. Because of these decisions, I found myself at a crossroad trying to figure out what my path is now, and who I want to be. Does everyone soul search after college?


The way I feel now is basically that I want all those things still, but none of them at the same time. I am in a state of unhappiness.

Thursday, April 9, 2009


I firmly believe that my personality breeds and desires masochism. Generally, I am the one who gets asked to stay after class, that gets called out at comedy clubs, who is expected to be the main contributor of excitement and amusement whenever other people are boring enough. That is me. It does suck. It makes people think they are in love and, at the same time, make people think that you're a whore, a slutty social butterfly because you're not afraid of opening your mouth and saying whatever comes out...


Some people live their entire lives NOT opening their mouth because of the result, but I think that's a horrible way to live. Why would I not say what I'm feeling? That almost gives the illusion that what I have to say isn't as important as the reaction that it might cause from anyone else that might receive it. I honestly wouldn't hold anyone's opinion or feelings over mine because we are all human, as lowly as it is to be, and in the end our opinions don't really matter. What matters are the established opinions that some people feel better abiding by.


Hell, my actions abide by accepted rules, but my mind doesn't. THAT is the strongest form of resistance in all of that bull. I can physically follow what people have accepted as law because it allows to me to exist in my society, but I actually strongly disagree with the majority of the shit that people say and TEACH becuase it is, precisely, shit. I think for myself and will to suffer at the hands of my own convictions and will continue to feel the repercussions of my personality (as wonderful, lively, and optimistic as it is) and will continue to enjoy the creations of my own mind and ideas.


FUUUNNNNN!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Healthcare...what is the truth? What do you agree with?

Now, I've never really paid too much attention to Michael Moore, basically because I assumed that he was a man that just got paid advocating his skewed perception on...everything!

However, this interested me: Health care in Cuba




Now here's a counter: Interesting...


What about in the UK?


[Current exchange from XE.com]
Live rates at 2009.03.05 14:45:09 UTC

100,000.00 GBP

=

141,075.07 USD

United Kingdom Pounds
United States Dollars
1 GBP = 1.41075 USD
1 USD = 0.708842 GBP
Not $200,000 dollars...maybe back then.

How about bills?




Weird right?

There is a whole other form of world that though I knew facts about it, I never really thought about it as an actual concept.

Here's the thing. I've actually wanted to move to London for a while now, but am to scared shitless too do it. Anyhow, I've been trying to wrap my mind around this "other world". Now here's my question, though it might be a silly one. Is it possible to have a society that functions well and actually cares about the people too? For example, having a national healthcare system but can still have a competitive market? I suppose not, because how would the pricing go? How would the money work itself out. My problem with this is that I prefer that everyone have an opportunity to live, no matter what. I think London has it right. I don't know about Cuba, they have other major restrictions that I am not OK with.

My professor told that because of privatization it makes owning a business is a lot tougher. I think, at the moment, living is a lot tougher. I believe that America has become so obsessed with making money that we are forgetting the most important aspects of life. In America, cheating, stealing, or taking advantage of someone is now so common that it is UNcommon to actually do the right/moral thing. It's a shame. I am tired of continually feeling like I have to keep looking over my shoulder and not being willing to take opportunities because I don't want to become a victim of a scam or involved in a scam without realizing it. I fail to see the opportunity that America once stood for. I'm NOT saying that in other countries they have a utopia, I'm just saying that there are different strokes for different folks, and for me I would like to live in a society that promotes LIVING not just living if you have enough money.

America is an individualistic society, and now because we are so focused on money, we have lost sight of what the "individual" is. Thus, losing sight of the idea of our nation. I think our system needs to prove that it's better.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Do movies depict or dictate a society's perception?


So, I was talking to my friend and she made a comment that I took completely personal. From I could remember, there has been a fine line defining where I “fit in” or rather don’t. I have been too “white” to be “black” and too “black” to be “white.” There was a commercial that came on television for a movie about Notorious BIG, and she became really exited and told me that she wanted to see it. Naturally, that meant the she wanted me to go with her to see. I, particularly, had no interest in seeing the movie. She proceeded to tell me that she knew I wouldn’t want to see it because it was a “black movie.”


WTF, people?! She continued that if there’s a movie with black people in it then I don’t want to see it, and that I only want to see “white” movies.


I have a strong point of view on this topic because it has plagued my existence for the majority of my life. It boils down to the fact that there are particular interests that people have categorized into races. FOR EXAMPLE: If someone likes classical music, speaks properly adhering to grammatical guidelines/rules, and likes to read, they are classified as stereotypically white. If someone likes rap music, uses slang, likes to smoke weed, and constantly wears braids, they are stereotypically black. This is absurd. Anyway, this is part of the key that perpetuates the racial divide in our society.


Racially stereotypical movies are everywhere, and NOT just in movies but in TV sitcoms as well. There are two aspects that I want to point out: the plot and characters. The plot of stereotypical black movies is that there are generally there is someone always trying to work their way up the “financial ladder”, maybe not in tiers, but in theory. In stereotypical white movies, the plots vary a lot more. As far as the character’s characteristics, in “black” movies, generally rich black characters are the antagonists. They black men cheat, leave, and/or beat their significant other. Most wealthy black people have done the wrong things to get to the level of success that they have. Therefore the idea of black successful people tends to have a negative connotation associated with it. The movie is generally faith-based, and people use more slang. There, of course, are always exceptions like Two Can Play that Game. In white movies there, of course, can have similar themes and plots, but there are also MANY other movies that don’t have these elements in the movie or sitcom.


My friend started to say that the reason why I wouldn’t want to see “black movies” is because of the way that I was brought up. My lifestyle. She believed that I don’t like those movies because I didn’t live that life. It was then assumed that just because I didn’t have a life like hers or close to hers that I had a “white” life. Which is a negative comment for me because I’m black regardless of background.


My point of view was, and is, that these stereotypical movies of “black” though they are generally funny, help to give black people a perception that rich is negative, and only through miracles, will their situation actually change for the better. They never credit themselves because of religious convictions, which is fine. I am not getting into a religious debate. I hate to see the stereotypes in films, so I don’t like to watch them.

This all stemmed from the fact that I didn’t want to watch the Notorious BIG movie. HAD she asked why, I would have told her that the reason why I didn’t want to see the movie is because I’m a

Tupac fan!



Wednesday, February 11, 2009

What's MY motivation?


Where is my motivation? I don't particularly care to do anything, but want SOMETHING good to happen to my life. I feel as if i deserve it, but I suppose everyone does. My professor says that my forte are people, but I also can't stand them. I have absolutely no real interest in the grand population of people. I mean, half of everyone I meet feels as if no one has ever met anyone else like them, like they are special. Well, they aren't. Hell even I'm not. Everyone always tries to put that same scenario back on me as if I'm going to change my answer. Truth is, just like I don't care about the vast majority of people, I'm sure the feeling is mutual. There are probably only select few people I might care about in anyway, and maybe that is reciprocated.

So, I've gotten to the point now where I just don't give a damn. My self-esteem is shot. My confidence is shot, and my faith in people in general have been severely diminished. And so now, I'm supposed to think well of the future?! Why the hell for?! I have no motivation to finish anything, to succeed, to compete, or to care. Therefore, my options stay limited, because I am not motivated to try and fix it.

I am a hater. Yes, I "hate" on the people that have had easier lives than I do that don't even know what they truly get to enjoy. I wonder if they even care? Are they all selfish? Are they good people that somewhat understand what the REAL world is about? I hate how selfish wealthy people are. HAVE YOU REALIZED that rich people stay stingy, frugal, and selfish while the less wealthy share their assets? I think it's a matter of perception and habit. WHY the hell would a rich person even know how to share? Poorer people DEFINITELY know that shit, and if they don't, they will. Trust that. How horrible! They are horrible. Yes, I'm hating, and will continue to do so.




Sunday, February 8, 2009

Lesbian VS Penis



Just to be clear for all people who are curious.

THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE (AS FAR AS EMOTIONALLY) BETWEEN DATING MEN AND WOMEN!!!!

Here's the thing. We are all human. Just because some have penises and some have vaginas doesn't mean that we are any better or any worse because of our gender. Don't kid yourself. All people suck and some just happen to suck less or more than others.

Just saying...

Jobs and Managers




So I'm sure the rest of the world is going through some craziness with our economy. I, fortunately, have a job, but I hate it. I feel as if I sold my soul to finish college...and I did. Now I'm stuck at a job selling credit cards that probably won't get approved because of our economy, and that no one wants. I refuse to try to cheat people, so even though I work for 7-9 hour days, I might end up with less than $50. I don't get paid for my time, I get paid on commission. Those are the worst jobs ever known to man. I have a job, but what's the point if I can't even pay my bills. This is retarded. ON TOP OF IT ALL, my managers are locas!!! They are bipolar and unfair, and have less experience working than I do. I know proper decorum, and they apparently missed that part of the "no" training. It's sad. They curse, they are condescending, they get personal, and feel completely justified in their behaviour. I believe that I have one of the worst jobs ever. I wonder, when taken out of their little world, how well they will be able to handle it. I am disappointed in the fact I sold out to accomplish my goals. I suppose this is the punishment.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Ughhhhhh......facebook



Facebook.com es una manera vieja para encontrar a las personas nuevas de otros países. Yo traté buscar un amigo o amiga y no me ayuda. Me sienten como mis esfuerzos no tienen un punto porque no ha recibido un mensaje de ellos. Personalmente, yo supe que fue más dificil porque las lineas de comunicación fueron más cerrados. Los miembros tienen un perfíl, sin embargo no tienen aceso para hablar a alguien inmediatamente a menos que usted conociera a las personas ya. El punto de la tarea, yo adivino, es para hacer un comparación entre los dos y explicar los razones por que tu pienses eso.

Personalmente, a mí no me gusta Facebook mucho porque es tanto personale. Hay un argumento que dice que la persona hace su perfíl entonces, es la culpa de la persona individualmente que crea el problema, es más, las problemas que occuren sólo pueden ser creado por la intención de la persona. Yo no quido porque mi información es protegido ya, entonces no hay nadie que puedan acesarlo sin mi permisión.