Michelle Rodriguez

She can be my wife. I heard she's had a girlfriend...or at least a girl toy. For the record, I'll willingly be either, Michelle.

Stayceyann Chin "Feminist or Womanist?"

This is so amazing. Her voice gives me goosebumps. I love it.

Could I start again as a hetero??

Being gay is hard to be sometimes. I was wondering if I could start my life over as a heterosexual female. Let's say I moved where no one knew me, I could start an "easier" life being a heterosexual. Where marriage or dating someone in the military isn't an issue. Where I don't have to worry about having to "come out" about my boyfriend. I'm not making a statement by merely shopping with my significant other in the mall. I don't have to worry about people staring because they don't think I look "normal."

Personally, could I ever be happy with a man? Would I secretly long for a woman? Would I ever feel comfortable in a man's arms or kissing one? Could I have sex with one? I don't know. It would be easier to be heterosexual.

I'm aware of the feeling. The feeling that you get when people tell you that they love you and they "don't mind" that you're gay or it doesn't "bother them," but you know in the back of their minds that they think you're weird or "different." It sucks, it makes you still feel like even though you came out that you still can't be out because you don't want to see, feel, or hear their true sentiments, you want to hold on to the original lie they told you at the beginning. It's nicer. It's better. It's just a lie. Sometimes you're just waiting to hear them say, "Look, I know I told you I was ok with it, but I'm not. I'm sorry."

Sometimes I wish I could fit into what's considered to be "normal" to society, but that's not what makes me happy. Oh well...you can't win 'em all.

Swimming Pool by Freezepop

In true sentimental fashion, I found a new song that I love and have been listening to incessantly. It's really just beautiful. I originally got it from the L Word anyway, but it was a moment between Tasha and Alice. Here is the video. The song starts at 7:26.



However their dynamic is another topic I will be addressing sometime.

The good fight

I think that it's really a shame when people don't have the courage to stick up for themselves. Maybe it's an over all lack of self confidence. I used to have that when I still used to listen to my parents, in return I turned rather gothic. Haha...good old high school. Anyhow, especially I think think rebelling against the parents are the first ones that you generally face. They have so much power, and it's up to the child to stand up and say what they want. Not every parent has the kid's best interest at heart, believes in the dreams of their children, or thinks that "children need to make their own decisions." I think it's something that you have to, in one way or another, fight for. It's a crucial lesson to learn. Learning how to fight.

In my experience, not every parent knows the best way to fight either. The approach is crucial to success. For example, my mother simply used guilt. It's easy, but not effective long term. I got tired of her using it, and became immune to it (for the most part). The biggest problem is when the child has no confidence to fight. They settle into mediocrity and lack the "grit" to see their desires through so as to avoid the fight. Maybe it's because after the other person "loses," they are mad at you. I don't know. Either way it goes, fighting the good fight is the little war life wages with you everyday to see if you deserved to live it. Nothing irritates me more than when people just give up, are afraid to even try, or let other people get them down and lose their ambition.

The average person gives up when things start getting tough or they reach an obstacle, when that is precisely the time to show that you have what it takes. I hate when people take the easy way out especially when they are moments away from realizing their dreams. It takes courage. Sometimes you have to look life in the face and tell it to "bring it on."

Behar: Prayer 'Takes the Place of Thinking'

This discussion might just end up being a chicken and egg argument. Valid points on both ends, but you just can't win it. As most of you probably assumed, I really see where Behar is going with this:

"Faith is something that you feel," Behar said. "Thinking is something that you do with your brain. It's different."

Behar's criticism of prayer riled co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who challenged the attack.

BEHAR: When prayer takes the place of logical thinking, then I think it's dangerous.

HASSELBECK: Prayer's not illogical.

BEHAR: No. But it takes the place of thinking.

HASSELBECK: No it doesn't. That's a complete bigoted statement to say that when I'm praying, I'm not thinking.

BEHAR: How dare you say that to me! Excuse me!


Now, I was a little bit shocked to see that someone else who has the same issue with religion that I do. It's all boils down to "faith". Many Christians say that I just don't understand it so they will "pray for me" because they are good Christians in an attempt to be sarcastic and passive. When they do that, it's because they don't have an answer. Their answer is faith. It's that feeling of reassurance that they have gotten because of their devotion to something. I can understand that I guess. I FEEL orgasms, but I don't see them but I KNOW they happened. Haha...ok maybe a little extreme, but it made me laugh.

Here's my argument as to why Behar has a good point. Follow me:

Emotions are known to be irrational and therefore illogical. People FEEL faith(which is an emotion). The core of religion is faith. Prayer is a tool people use in religion for religion. A lot of the "miracles" of the Bible cannot be explained (or proven). In times of need and/or desperation people turn to prayer. Prayer gives them an answer. Now, if the answer MAKES sense, then that's fine, but there are times when the answer doesn't make any sense, and the only support for it is religion which is based on faith WHICH is a feeling that is an emotion.

It's the same way people get sucked into cults and business cults(pyramid schemes). There's a need or desperation to change one's circumstances. That's it. People do a lot of things in order to let STRANGERS tell you how to run your life or to make your decisions for you. There are very few people that remember their faith until something serious is happening (ie: life/death scenario, extreme poverty, etc). People even make promises to their god in exchange for a situation turning out favorably for them.

Now I believe there are people out there that this just doesn't apply to. There are some people that are genuinely good "christian" people. I only know a few that apply everything they learn into every aspect of their lives routinely. No matter what. So, in that respect, I can see why prayer is logical to them, but I still have to agree with Behar on this one.

Randy Pausch: Really achieving your childhood dreams | Video on TED.com

Randy Pausch: Really achieving your childhood dreams | Video on TED.com

This video was really amazing to me. It was long, but worth it. It kinda makes me feel bad that I get down over stupid shit sometimes.


Randy Pausch
(October 23, 1960 – July 25, 2008)

Religion and Homosexuality

You and I both know people like in this next video exist in this world, our world. They are filled with so much conviction for their cause that it's really rather scary to know that they actually exist and we are looking at their faces...and their spawn. Spawn? Yea, I know probably a little harsh, but I don't approve of parents teaching their children hate. I don't approve of anyone judging anyone...especially me. Therefore, I think it's rather negative.

Additionally, I am actively trying to dispel the duality of good and evil. It's so ingrained that I rarely realize it. So I wouldn't want to say these people are evil, but to me, they threaten me and stand against everything that I believe in. Therefore, I will call them fanatics and I hope they don't allow their convictions to get the best of them.



This is intense...
Tyra is really gaining points in my book for shows like this.

Here's another one:

(BTW the lady in orange could get it all day!) :) Gay pt #1!!!



and a follow up:

Social experiment

After watching all five parts of the show, I was damn near ashamed of my community. To be honest, I don't feel as if I suffer from these issues because I just...like...women. I don't personally care if you're short, fat, anorexic, buck toothed, bow-legged, or whatever. If I think your "tractor is sexy" then your fuckin' tractor is sexy. Period.

I think labels cripple our community, if anything. It forces us to be in boxes which, in turn, create more opportunity for discrimination and bias.

I never knew Tyra put on these shows. Kudos Tyra.

Revelation...

How can you determine if you've lost yourself? How do you determine if you've slowly given into who you aren't? How do you determine who you are? Is it possible to monitor yourself as you walk through life?

I feel as if I've lost who I am. I feel as if I've given into the same society that forced me to into the person that I loved. I have never taken just one opinion in any situation. I am a collection of influences of everyone and everything new that I encounter and am proud of that. I have always had to fight for things that people were handed, never needing recognition. My satisfaction came from myself. I have lost the most elemental part of who I am because I failed at one thing. I gave into image and cultural boundaries that were set for me that I never once followed, and I can't really explain why.


I grew up in a Jamaican household where the majority of women ended up as housewives(if the family could afford it), nurses, bankers, or teachers. I was taught things like how to cross my legs, how to size my food into small enough chunks before eating it, NOT to whistle, and how NOT to talk. I still know these things and because it was constantly reinforced I find these lessons lingering in the back of my mind as I'm breaking the rules of how to be a lady. I remember how, as a child my father told me to just be around my mother (as she was in the kitchen) instead of being in the garage with him, and how they both had to STRONGLY urge me to play with my dolls. And when I played with my dolls they generally only had sex, and it was generally in an imaginary car or a park. It was the only thing that made it seem more interesting. To be perfectly honest, I liked hanging out with my father because he was more fun and our personalities matched better, and I personally thought my mother was "not a good idea."

In the lesbian community, you'll find that there are a lot of couples that have a masculine female and a more feminine female, and they, a lot of times, dress the respective part. There's a lot of stress put on females to conform to a particular role, complete with their stereotypical hobbies like "studs" like cars, can fix things, and take out the trash, and fems that cook, clean, and "take care of" the stud. There are many arguments that stem from this within the actual community. In my opinion, ideally a lesbian is female that only dates females. The dynamic of needing have a masculine role in the relationship is completely unnecessary, but to each her own. Here's my problem with this:

I tend to sacrifice this very opinion in order to get the girl. There are a lot of studs that will only date fems and vice versa. So a lot of times in order to get the stud, the girl has to act more girly. I have switched up my fashion style...or tried to adopt one, that is. I have done the cooking and the cleaning, and the "help me I don't wanna/can't change my flat tire." I find myself subjecting myself to the same shit hetero bitches do in order to make a man feel like a man. I know how to fix a flat tire, and I know how to check my oil. I lose myself in the idea that if I don't stroke this stud's ego that I'll lose her. When really I'm not being who I really am with her anyway, so the entire relationship is damned before I ever got into it. I'll never actually feel free enough to be myself.

That's fucking deep.