Lesbian - nonnegotiable...

I probably speak for most lesbians when I say that I'm tired of having to explain my lesbianism, and tired of having men pissed off when they find out that we are gay. I'm tired of having the gay-straight debate. I, like some other unfortunate lesbians, have probably lost friends because of our orientation, it sucks sometimes. It's not a fad. I'm not trying to be cool. I just like women. Period.

There are some women that mess with men, it happens. Doesn't mean they like women any less. I've probably pissed off 64% of the lesbian population with that, but I don't care. Men, you're not going to convince me that I'm rejecting God's will or that the "natural design of the female body" is built for man because in my world - it's DEFINITELY built for women.

Quit debating with me why lesbian sex "doesn't count," and why you think "fuck" isn't an applicable term for lesbian sex either. It's a concept that is hard to accept for some men and women, but deal. My homosexuality doesn't come with an "off" switch.

I, personally, love it.

The open road splits

I took a rather impromptu road trip with some of my friends, and I had an amazing time. I also felt like I was wasting my life, not because they had so much to do, but because this is made my dilemma more apparent. I've been try to figure out between two options for a long time: swallow my life up with work or just do nothing and live a life somewhat resembling a bohemian lifestyle. Here's the interesting thing, I believe I am scared to succeed or fail. I've been living a life in the middle, not really succeeding, not really failing, and to achieve anything other than that is terrifying.

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Anyhow, my trip was a eye opener for me, it gave me an opportunity to rethink so many aspects of my life, just sitting in the back listening to my friends speak incessently about business. It was refreshing, being somewhere that wasn't home, but you can't really travel without money. Business or pleasure?

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I look at this picture and I remember the open road. When I look at it now, it reminds me of the trip and how free I felt. Good times.

Awkward...

Have you been in a situation where you're sitting at a table with all a whole bunch of people and you look around about to take in the fact that it's great being out and around a lot of people...just taking it in, and then you realize - these people really don't even like each other. There's drama everywhere you turn your head.

For example. She's the exgirlfriend of this girl, and she brought the new girlfriend. AWKWARD! Or she doesn't like her because all of the grimey shit she's done to her. AWKWARD! Or she is not talking to her anymore because she's friends with the exgirlfiend. AWKWARD! Or NO ONE is talking to the friend and the new girlfriend except for one friend that clearly has to work hard at trying to make sure they don't feel alienated. You realize that no one is really talking TO each other they talking ABOUT each other via text message like no one notices. It's a waste of time.

Then you look at yourself...you're an ex of the girl that invited you out. The new ex. You're in it. It sucks. And you realize, at that very moment, that you've fucked up. You're not supposed to be there. You're involved in it. It's not just a lesbian thing, it's a human thing.

At what point do you look around the table and figure out if it's even worth it?

Dating strike

I almost want to apologize for this shirt being so lewd, but I think that's why I like it.

Now! I have been thinking a lot about dating, traditional dating, and I hate it. I can't do it. Back when I was working the most HORRIBLE job I've ever had, men would hit on me all the time, pretty much every job I had men were hitting on me even the old, nasty mid-life crisis nasties. I don't mean to sound cocky, hell, at the time I didn't see what the hell they saw in me. Anyway, my excuse for all of these men was that "I was on a dating strike." Was I? No. In fact, chances are I was leaving a woman in my bed or leaving her bed that very morning or two hours before I walked in the door of my job. I have been through every logical excuse to tell men, and that is the best line I've got in my arsenal. Telling guys that you're a lesbian opens the flood gates to either their world of 1) Complete and utter confusion about the topic. 2) Their arousal. 3) Their anger and frustration 4) And the rare occurance of indifference. And don't be fooled, a lot of times they start out with indifference and end up in one of those other categories.

Now, after being SUPERlesbian around my friends, and a lesbi-slut to the lesbian community, I am finding my self at a new intersection. I'm burnt out. I used to be the lesbian advocate, now I just want to say anything. Where I don't want to mess with anyone. Not a soul. Man or woman. I found myself feeling asexual. FYI, the actual definition of asexuality is, according to Wikipedia: "a sexual orientation describing individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or do not have interest in or desire for sex." Cool. I identify with the last part. Reading that BLOWS MY MIND! I couldn't imagine never having experienced sexual attraction. Jeez, I almost don't even want to say anything about it ever again. I whole heartedly think it's GOT to be a phase. I hope. So instead of declaring, yet another sexual orientation label. I am going with a state of mind label. I am on a dating strike...unless she's really hot. Lol.

Lesbian Look

So in my boredom, I went to the Borders bookstore and tried to find their gay/lesbian/transgender section. When I found it about 20 minutes later, it was on one shelf. Upon closer inspection, it didn't even take up the whole shelf, in fact, of the almost 10 books they had it went as follows: a book about Stonewall, 5 or so gay boy books and around 2 lesbian books, no transgender books. Now of the around two lesbian books, one was a book on cunnilingus, and the pictures were of man performing cunnilingus on a woman. How about that? Now this section was cushioned by books about sex because the perceptions of lesbians revolve around three basic ideas: 1) It's for ugly women (the rejects). 2) It's for angry women that have been wronged by men. 3) Two women together are purely for male entertainment. On the left side and below "the shelf" were all books about sex, performing sex, and maximizing her orgasm. On the right, were books discussing the psychology of sexuality. Great. The point I want to make is that basically that the male society just boils lesbians down to being "hot", they (men) get mad about the relationship part of it only when we make it clear that we won't sleep with them, but other than that it's just hot, right?

My opinion....it is hot.

I decided to stake out the "gay section".

**Funny note** when I got to the "sex" section of the bookstore, there was a middle aged white man looking (he had been standing there for a while). He stood there for a while, moving out of my way and apologizing in some type of effort to show that he was ok being there. In no more than 1 minute, he was gone. I almost left so he could have his naughty moment to buy that karma sutra book I know he was eyeing for himself to use on his wife (he QUICKLY passed by later with her), but I didn't. I liked making him feel awkward.**

I saw one female that looked kinda butch make her way over to "the area". I had to find out if she was going to look at "the shelf" to confirm my suspicions. **FYI not all butch looking girls are lesbians** She actually had a comfy spot picked out on the other side of "the shelf", clearly interested in another topic. Hmmm...so after I continued to read a gay/lesbian book for a while. I decided to go and linger in front of the shelf to see if I could strike up a convo. Nothing. Zilch. I even did the sexy reach up for that book on "the shelf", nothing. Funny. I amaze myself sometimes.

NOW the point of this blog was to tell you about a story that enlightened me. The name of the book was called Same Sex in the City I'm sure some of you have heard of it. Anyway, in the first chapter, there was a story from a woman in New York. She said that she dressed up very femininely with the stilettos and dresses and everything, and she always went to these ritzy little debutante social gatherings. Her observation was that she was the only lesbian at the event, mainly because they all dressed girly. However, she pointed out that she clearly looks "straight" too, so perhaps she isn't the only lesbian there after all. I realized that I do that too. I never assume girls that don't look OBVIOUSLY gay are gay. I assume they are straight. I am subjecting them to the same bias that I, myself, am a victim of. How horrible. I'm going to start hitting on/talking to any female I find attractive. They might just think my goodies look tastey too. Haha. I might get told off, but hell at least I tried.

Caged

I feel like I've been able to think about life more and learn about life more because I can take the time to do so. I was talking to a friend of mine, and we were basically talkin about how I just want to get away and leave and travel. After a while, I was trying to persuade her to come with me. She explained to me an aspect of her life that she probably would never share with her family, and that, had I not been reading so much I probably wouldn't have understood. She said to me that she gave so much of herself for so long that she's locked into same obligations for life. Though shes happy she helped them, she wasn't free to live the life that she wanted or wants. I think about my friend. She's pretty much sealed up her life at around the age of 30. She feels limited in ther decisions because of her age. I personally believe that it is precisely her age that should liberate her, but emotions block a lot of things. It's a horrible feeling that I hope never to experience.

I just finished reading a book called The Alchemist. Yes, I heard about the book, but no I never read it. It talked about things that I've been feeling, wanting to just leave. Selling what you have and using it to experience what's out there. I just fear "getting got," rape seems to happen more frequently to women than men(for obvious reasons).It was an inspiring book, and I felt like just selling my car and going on a damn trip. However, reality drags me right back. Now I'm just looking for money to travel. I recommend that if you're looking for something to help you figure out where you want to go with your life next, read the book. I read it in one day.

Goodbye Djarums!!!

So, anyone who knows me knows that the ONLY cigarettes I smoke are Djarums. I have had a love affair with these for years now, I think it was first introduced to me by the first woman who had me sprung. *sigh* Anyhow, I received the horrible news that all flavored cigarettes weren't going to be allowed to be sold in the entire United States after September 22, 2009. I am heartbroken. I started out with Marlboro lights, and it was just that for a while. Then came the Djarums, and the sweet taste on my lips the smooth inhale made everything so much better. In the lesbian world, it made it a lot easier point out which women were gay because those cigarettes are very prevalent in the lesbian community. Now I'm being reduced to rainbow bracelets. I'm never going to get a female again.

Now I was told by a white woman who lives in the country and owns a cigar shop. Apparently she was the only one that carries cloves in the whole town. She said that "Obama thinks that flavored cigarettes are the reason how young people start smoking." Now, her biases are rather obvious, and I would reason to assume that she CLEARLY did not want Obama in the Oval office. So, I will do some research to see exactly how biased she was/is.

I am so hurt that my cigarettes are going away. Should I buy in bulk or should I just try to fade it out from now?

My rut...

I’m just in the mood to write…about nothing in particular really, just wanted to type. I can’t clear my head so maybe if I keep writing it might. There have been a couple things that come to mind when as I’ve been doing nothing all day. One is why is it that I have to live two separate lives because I’m gay. I’m starting to lose track of all the lies I’ve told…which is really bad because I really hate to lie. I don’t know who it’s ok to tell the truth to, when it’s ok to come out to them, and if it’s ok to finally the truth to people after I’ve lied already.

Facebook is a hell of a website. I just was looking some pictures of a guy I used to date when I was straight a couple of years ago, and I saw his friend. This friend was a horrible human being. He purposefully got my drunk and tried to take advantage of me on more than one occasion. He was the antagonist of this teen movie, just creating drama and tension because he was jealous. Jealous of his best friend. He was responsible for a lot of unnecessary tears, a lot of lies that he started, and for the “incomplete” feeling. You know that feeling when you’re never quite sure what could have happened has that one thing happened? Yea, that feeling. Would I have still been dating the guy? Would I still just be “bi curious”? I feel like posting his miserable picture up here, but it’s not necessary.

I’ve moved back home because basically, I hated my job and wanted to quit so badly. So basically, I pursued anything/anyone that would return my call. Haha. Another sales job. Personally, I hate sales, but I felt like I needed to justify my actions so I made a commitment to do it, and I haven’t made any strides because I don’t want to do it either. Sad huh? I am just lounging about all day. Yes, I still have bills to pay. But I could technically live on 200 bucks a month. Here’s the thing I wanted to travel, I wanted to be able to save and now I have to figure out the best way to do this. Part time job? Full time job and save? Hmmmm….not sure. A full time job would help me to save a lot more a lot faster. And I could budget so that my “rent” would be my savings…Hard part is finding the job. Haha….shame.

I feel really lame, like I’ve failed. I never wanted to move back home ever. I made the vow with myself. Obviously broke that. The air doesn’t work, and if it did, I’m sure my dad wouldn’t use it. There are always bugs, just everywhere. They are dead, but they are everywhere. There are ants everywhere outside, like the big red ones. I’m just grossed out, and because it’s so hot all the time, I feel gross and dirty all the time. Yea, I’m not paying rent, but it sure doesn’t feel like a free ride. Maybe I could work on it, but that’d take a lot of money. A lot of money.

I feel like I just start and stop everything. I never finish anything anymore, and it’s bloody annoying. Maybe I should make a commitment to finish whatever I start that way I start trusting what I say more, for myself. No matter how tedious and gross.

Deprivation

Sex, love, money, alcohol.

These things make the world go around for me and many others that I know. From the beginning, people have been telling me the if I followed a certain path, my life would pan out. There wouldn't be any hinderences or extreme obstacle to block my idea of happiness. I sat down with two of my friends, and were bowled over this topic for a while, trying to carefully choose our words. All three of us had graduated, it was rather close together, but still at different times. I began to explain to the anger and disappointment of how life was supposed to be. I argued that NO ONE told me growing up that even if you did everything that you're supposed to do to have a successful life doesn't mean you actually do. They lied and built me up for a future that might never be. My parents showed me houses that I might never, learned about professions that I might never get an opportunity to be, and gave me a false reality about my own potential to secure a happy stable future. College created a world for me that I never knew was out there. A world that included all those things I started this entry with.

I have made a plethora of mistakes based on the fact that I have felt deprived of them. I have made many decisions in order to get these things back, no matter the consequences. Because of these decisions, I found myself at a crossroad trying to figure out what my path is now, and who I want to be. Does everyone soul search after college?

The way I feel now is basically that I want all those things still, but none of them at the same time. I am in a state of unhappiness.

I firmly believe that my personality breeds and desires masochism. Generally, I am the one who gets asked to stay after class, that gets called out at comedy clubs, who is expected to be the main contributor of excitement and amusement whenever other people are boring enough. That is me. It does suck. It makes people think they are in love and, at the same time, make people think that you're a whore, a slutty social butterfly because you're not afraid of opening your mouth and saying whatever comes out...

Some people live their entire lives NOT opening their mouth because of the result, but I think that's a horrible way to live. Why would I not say what I'm feeling? That almost gives the illusion that what I have to say isn't as important as the reaction that it might cause from anyone else that might receive it. I honestly wouldn't hold anyone's opinion or feelings over mine because we are all human, as lowly as it is to be, and in the end our opinions don't really matter. What matters are the established opinions that some people feel better abiding by.

Hell, my actions abide by accepted rules, but my mind doesn't. THAT is the strongest form of resistance in all of that bull. I can physically follow what people have accepted as law because it allows to me to exist in my society, but I actually strongly disagree with the majority of the shit that people say and TEACH becuase it is, precisely, shit. I think for myself and will to suffer at the hands of my own convictions and will continue to feel the repercussions of my personality (as wonderful, lively, and optimistic as it is) and will continue to enjoy the creations of my own mind and ideas.

FUUUNNNNN!!!!!!!!