My rut...

I’m just in the mood to write…about nothing in particular really, just wanted to type. I can’t clear my head so maybe if I keep writing it might. There have been a couple things that come to mind when as I’ve been doing nothing all day. One is why is it that I have to live two separate lives because I’m gay. I’m starting to lose track of all the lies I’ve told…which is really bad because I really hate to lie. I don’t know who it’s ok to tell the truth to, when it’s ok to come out to them, and if it’s ok to finally the truth to people after I’ve lied already.

Facebook is a hell of a website. I just was looking some pictures of a guy I used to date when I was straight a couple of years ago, and I saw his friend. This friend was a horrible human being. He purposefully got my drunk and tried to take advantage of me on more than one occasion. He was the antagonist of this teen movie, just creating drama and tension because he was jealous. Jealous of his best friend. He was responsible for a lot of unnecessary tears, a lot of lies that he started, and for the “incomplete” feeling. You know that feeling when you’re never quite sure what could have happened has that one thing happened? Yea, that feeling. Would I have still been dating the guy? Would I still just be “bi curious”? I feel like posting his miserable picture up here, but it’s not necessary.

I’ve moved back home because basically, I hated my job and wanted to quit so badly. So basically, I pursued anything/anyone that would return my call. Haha. Another sales job. Personally, I hate sales, but I felt like I needed to justify my actions so I made a commitment to do it, and I haven’t made any strides because I don’t want to do it either. Sad huh? I am just lounging about all day. Yes, I still have bills to pay. But I could technically live on 200 bucks a month. Here’s the thing I wanted to travel, I wanted to be able to save and now I have to figure out the best way to do this. Part time job? Full time job and save? Hmmmm….not sure. A full time job would help me to save a lot more a lot faster. And I could budget so that my “rent” would be my savings…Hard part is finding the job. Haha….shame.

I feel really lame, like I’ve failed. I never wanted to move back home ever. I made the vow with myself. Obviously broke that. The air doesn’t work, and if it did, I’m sure my dad wouldn’t use it. There are always bugs, just everywhere. They are dead, but they are everywhere. There are ants everywhere outside, like the big red ones. I’m just grossed out, and because it’s so hot all the time, I feel gross and dirty all the time. Yea, I’m not paying rent, but it sure doesn’t feel like a free ride. Maybe I could work on it, but that’d take a lot of money. A lot of money.

I feel like I just start and stop everything. I never finish anything anymore, and it’s bloody annoying. Maybe I should make a commitment to finish whatever I start that way I start trusting what I say more, for myself. No matter how tedious and gross.

Deprivation

Sex, love, money, alcohol.

These things make the world go around for me and many others that I know. From the beginning, people have been telling me the if I followed a certain path, my life would pan out. There wouldn't be any hinderences or extreme obstacle to block my idea of happiness. I sat down with two of my friends, and were bowled over this topic for a while, trying to carefully choose our words. All three of us had graduated, it was rather close together, but still at different times. I began to explain to the anger and disappointment of how life was supposed to be. I argued that NO ONE told me growing up that even if you did everything that you're supposed to do to have a successful life doesn't mean you actually do. They lied and built me up for a future that might never be. My parents showed me houses that I might never, learned about professions that I might never get an opportunity to be, and gave me a false reality about my own potential to secure a happy stable future. College created a world for me that I never knew was out there. A world that included all those things I started this entry with.

I have made a plethora of mistakes based on the fact that I have felt deprived of them. I have made many decisions in order to get these things back, no matter the consequences. Because of these decisions, I found myself at a crossroad trying to figure out what my path is now, and who I want to be. Does everyone soul search after college?

The way I feel now is basically that I want all those things still, but none of them at the same time. I am in a state of unhappiness.