Dating strike

I almost want to apologize for this shirt being so lewd, but I think that's why I like it.

Now! I have been thinking a lot about dating, traditional dating, and I hate it. I can't do it. Back when I was working the most HORRIBLE job I've ever had, men would hit on me all the time, pretty much every job I had men were hitting on me even the old, nasty mid-life crisis nasties. I don't mean to sound cocky, hell, at the time I didn't see what the hell they saw in me. Anyway, my excuse for all of these men was that "I was on a dating strike." Was I? No. In fact, chances are I was leaving a woman in my bed or leaving her bed that very morning or two hours before I walked in the door of my job. I have been through every logical excuse to tell men, and that is the best line I've got in my arsenal. Telling guys that you're a lesbian opens the flood gates to either their world of 1) Complete and utter confusion about the topic. 2) Their arousal. 3) Their anger and frustration 4) And the rare occurance of indifference. And don't be fooled, a lot of times they start out with indifference and end up in one of those other categories.

Now, after being SUPERlesbian around my friends, and a lesbi-slut to the lesbian community, I am finding my self at a new intersection. I'm burnt out. I used to be the lesbian advocate, now I just want to say anything. Where I don't want to mess with anyone. Not a soul. Man or woman. I found myself feeling asexual. FYI, the actual definition of asexuality is, according to Wikipedia: "a sexual orientation describing individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or do not have interest in or desire for sex." Cool. I identify with the last part. Reading that BLOWS MY MIND! I couldn't imagine never having experienced sexual attraction. Jeez, I almost don't even want to say anything about it ever again. I whole heartedly think it's GOT to be a phase. I hope. So instead of declaring, yet another sexual orientation label. I am going with a state of mind label. I am on a dating strike...unless she's really hot. Lol.

Lesbian Look

So in my boredom, I went to the Borders bookstore and tried to find their gay/lesbian/transgender section. When I found it about 20 minutes later, it was on one shelf. Upon closer inspection, it didn't even take up the whole shelf, in fact, of the almost 10 books they had it went as follows: a book about Stonewall, 5 or so gay boy books and around 2 lesbian books, no transgender books. Now of the around two lesbian books, one was a book on cunnilingus, and the pictures were of man performing cunnilingus on a woman. How about that? Now this section was cushioned by books about sex because the perceptions of lesbians revolve around three basic ideas: 1) It's for ugly women (the rejects). 2) It's for angry women that have been wronged by men. 3) Two women together are purely for male entertainment. On the left side and below "the shelf" were all books about sex, performing sex, and maximizing her orgasm. On the right, were books discussing the psychology of sexuality. Great. The point I want to make is that basically that the male society just boils lesbians down to being "hot", they (men) get mad about the relationship part of it only when we make it clear that we won't sleep with them, but other than that it's just hot, right?

My opinion....it is hot.

I decided to stake out the "gay section".

**Funny note** when I got to the "sex" section of the bookstore, there was a middle aged white man looking (he had been standing there for a while). He stood there for a while, moving out of my way and apologizing in some type of effort to show that he was ok being there. In no more than 1 minute, he was gone. I almost left so he could have his naughty moment to buy that karma sutra book I know he was eyeing for himself to use on his wife (he QUICKLY passed by later with her), but I didn't. I liked making him feel awkward.**

I saw one female that looked kinda butch make her way over to "the area". I had to find out if she was going to look at "the shelf" to confirm my suspicions. **FYI not all butch looking girls are lesbians** She actually had a comfy spot picked out on the other side of "the shelf", clearly interested in another topic. Hmmm...so after I continued to read a gay/lesbian book for a while. I decided to go and linger in front of the shelf to see if I could strike up a convo. Nothing. Zilch. I even did the sexy reach up for that book on "the shelf", nothing. Funny. I amaze myself sometimes.

NOW the point of this blog was to tell you about a story that enlightened me. The name of the book was called Same Sex in the City I'm sure some of you have heard of it. Anyway, in the first chapter, there was a story from a woman in New York. She said that she dressed up very femininely with the stilettos and dresses and everything, and she always went to these ritzy little debutante social gatherings. Her observation was that she was the only lesbian at the event, mainly because they all dressed girly. However, she pointed out that she clearly looks "straight" too, so perhaps she isn't the only lesbian there after all. I realized that I do that too. I never assume girls that don't look OBVIOUSLY gay are gay. I assume they are straight. I am subjecting them to the same bias that I, myself, am a victim of. How horrible. I'm going to start hitting on/talking to any female I find attractive. They might just think my goodies look tastey too. Haha. I might get told off, but hell at least I tried.

Caged

I feel like I've been able to think about life more and learn about life more because I can take the time to do so. I was talking to a friend of mine, and we were basically talkin about how I just want to get away and leave and travel. After a while, I was trying to persuade her to come with me. She explained to me an aspect of her life that she probably would never share with her family, and that, had I not been reading so much I probably wouldn't have understood. She said to me that she gave so much of herself for so long that she's locked into same obligations for life. Though shes happy she helped them, she wasn't free to live the life that she wanted or wants. I think about my friend. She's pretty much sealed up her life at around the age of 30. She feels limited in ther decisions because of her age. I personally believe that it is precisely her age that should liberate her, but emotions block a lot of things. It's a horrible feeling that I hope never to experience.

I just finished reading a book called The Alchemist. Yes, I heard about the book, but no I never read it. It talked about things that I've been feeling, wanting to just leave. Selling what you have and using it to experience what's out there. I just fear "getting got," rape seems to happen more frequently to women than men(for obvious reasons).It was an inspiring book, and I felt like just selling my car and going on a damn trip. However, reality drags me right back. Now I'm just looking for money to travel. I recommend that if you're looking for something to help you figure out where you want to go with your life next, read the book. I read it in one day.

Goodbye Djarums!!!

So, anyone who knows me knows that the ONLY cigarettes I smoke are Djarums. I have had a love affair with these for years now, I think it was first introduced to me by the first woman who had me sprung. *sigh* Anyhow, I received the horrible news that all flavored cigarettes weren't going to be allowed to be sold in the entire United States after September 22, 2009. I am heartbroken. I started out with Marlboro lights, and it was just that for a while. Then came the Djarums, and the sweet taste on my lips the smooth inhale made everything so much better. In the lesbian world, it made it a lot easier point out which women were gay because those cigarettes are very prevalent in the lesbian community. Now I'm being reduced to rainbow bracelets. I'm never going to get a female again.

Now I was told by a white woman who lives in the country and owns a cigar shop. Apparently she was the only one that carries cloves in the whole town. She said that "Obama thinks that flavored cigarettes are the reason how young people start smoking." Now, her biases are rather obvious, and I would reason to assume that she CLEARLY did not want Obama in the Oval office. So, I will do some research to see exactly how biased she was/is.

I am so hurt that my cigarettes are going away. Should I buy in bulk or should I just try to fade it out from now?