Revelation...

How can you determine if you've lost yourself? How do you determine if you've slowly given into who you aren't? How do you determine who you are? Is it possible to monitor yourself as you walk through life?

I feel as if I've lost who I am. I feel as if I've given into the same society that forced me to into the person that I loved. I have never taken just one opinion in any situation. I am a collection of influences of everyone and everything new that I encounter and am proud of that. I have always had to fight for things that people were handed, never needing recognition. My satisfaction came from myself. I have lost the most elemental part of who I am because I failed at one thing. I gave into image and cultural boundaries that were set for me that I never once followed, and I can't really explain why.


I grew up in a Jamaican household where the majority of women ended up as housewives(if the family could afford it), nurses, bankers, or teachers. I was taught things like how to cross my legs, how to size my food into small enough chunks before eating it, NOT to whistle, and how NOT to talk. I still know these things and because it was constantly reinforced I find these lessons lingering in the back of my mind as I'm breaking the rules of how to be a lady. I remember how, as a child my father told me to just be around my mother (as she was in the kitchen) instead of being in the garage with him, and how they both had to STRONGLY urge me to play with my dolls. And when I played with my dolls they generally only had sex, and it was generally in an imaginary car or a park. It was the only thing that made it seem more interesting. To be perfectly honest, I liked hanging out with my father because he was more fun and our personalities matched better, and I personally thought my mother was "not a good idea."

In the lesbian community, you'll find that there are a lot of couples that have a masculine female and a more feminine female, and they, a lot of times, dress the respective part. There's a lot of stress put on females to conform to a particular role, complete with their stereotypical hobbies like "studs" like cars, can fix things, and take out the trash, and fems that cook, clean, and "take care of" the stud. There are many arguments that stem from this within the actual community. In my opinion, ideally a lesbian is female that only dates females. The dynamic of needing have a masculine role in the relationship is completely unnecessary, but to each her own. Here's my problem with this:

I tend to sacrifice this very opinion in order to get the girl. There are a lot of studs that will only date fems and vice versa. So a lot of times in order to get the stud, the girl has to act more girly. I have switched up my fashion style...or tried to adopt one, that is. I have done the cooking and the cleaning, and the "help me I don't wanna/can't change my flat tire." I find myself subjecting myself to the same shit hetero bitches do in order to make a man feel like a man. I know how to fix a flat tire, and I know how to check my oil. I lose myself in the idea that if I don't stroke this stud's ego that I'll lose her. When really I'm not being who I really am with her anyway, so the entire relationship is damned before I ever got into it. I'll never actually feel free enough to be myself.

That's fucking deep.

Socialnomics

You can feel the shift, that's why I went looking for it. Socialnomics, a new (at least to me) coined terms that talks about how social media networks are replacing older forms of "hardcopy" media. It's true that in schools, Wikipedia is an acceptable source of information though there are some professors that hate it, mostly because they are actively reject new technologies and restrict their abilities by choosing to be ignorant. I have joked around with my friend about doing "research" which means a less than 1 minute Google search that allows me to sift through the options that "best fit" my search request. People don't really research. Most people, including myself, rarely did book research even when the professor made it required. All you had to do was take one quote from the book, cite it, and bam. The majority of other information was from the net. It was faster, and I didn't have to leave home.

The newspaper industry is seeing a decline in sales, and specifically in the gay community there papers that have been running for decades, like Southern Voice, have shut down. So the question is now, people are able to hide themselves and shut out a lot of information and things they don't want to see, how do we reach everyone? I wouldn't be surprised to see a Social Network Manager pop up in job openings. Someone just to keep things like Twitter, Facebook, MySpace (Screw you Rupert Murdoch!) and YouTube updated throughout the day, everyday. How tedious, but it would be an easy job for the schmuck that literally prefers to do that crap all day, and it would be highly beneficial for businesses.

New artist: Missy Higgins

In 2001 Higgins' sister entered "All for Believing" on her behalf into Unearthed, radio station triple J's competition for unsigned bands. The song won the competition and was added to the station's playlist.^[8] Two record companies showed an interest in Higgins — Sony and Eleven.^[6] She signed with Eleven, a decision partly based on the fact that they were happy for her to take time to backpack around Europe.^[6] Having spent years planning the trip with a friend, she spent most of 2002 in Europe.^[10][11] While she was travelling, a recording of "All for Believing" started to be played by Los Angeles radio station KCRW.^[11] This brought attention from U.S. record labels and, by the end of 2002, an international record deal with Warner Bros.


I think that this is an absolutely beautiful song.

Ethnic hands

Funny story...

My homeboy and I were drunk at a bar, and decided to go to another bar afterward. At this second bar, he got involved in a conversation with two guys. I was completely uninterested in what they were talking about until the very end as we were leaving. One of the two guy said, "I don't like my hands. Look at them! I like my friend's hands though(A white guy). Ugh, I hate my hands. I have ethnic hands." It instantly got my liquored up blood boiling. I ask,"What the hell are ethnic hands?" He responds, while holding up his hands that "his knuckles were large." I told him that race had NOTHING to do that. I'm sure at this point in time my homeboy is realizing that this isn't a good conversation for me to be in, and he gently, but forcefully makes me leave.

It has been weeks, and I'm still bothered by this. Mostly because for me, I have a very specific childhood memory that continues to plague me that came to mind. When I was younger, my sister and I generally got the same dolls, but I always wanted the white doll, even though they were the same doll, made of the same material. Somehow, the color of the doll made it seem better. In that same way, that guy saw his own hands as inferior. He was pointing out normal physical characteristics of hands that he hated.

Sometimes society makes it hard to see similarities in humans. A lot times we are searching to find what's different. Perhaps, a good starting point is searching to find ourselves so that we can appreciate ourselves...everything about ourselves first.

Jamaica...

I have a friend that loves reggae more than most Jamaicans I know, and while in his car one day he played this song, which also happened to be his favorite.

I realized, after getting past the amazing tune, that not everyone saw Jamaica as I did. They created this song because Jamaica gets it's fame from commercialization. No one sees what I see when I go to Jamaica. True, Jamaica has it's own unique charm, but it took me a while to realize that the charm I love about Jamaica wasn't the charm that other people loved because we were talking about two different Jamaicas.

Anyhow, I wanted to make sure my friend got some recognition for introducing me to the song, but I also wanted to make sure that it is something that is posted on my blog. 

Who's great?

“There are countless ways of attaining greatness, but any road to reaching one's maximum potential must be built on a bedrock of respect for the individual, a commitment to excellence, and a rejection of mediocrity.”

-Buck Rodgers 

What does it take to be “great”?

National recognition, media coverage, author of popular books, worldwide recognition, a hero, a business owner, or perhaps smart on a sheet of paper?

I have attained none of these things, but I feel like “great” is a step away, and when I think I am there I still probably won't feel as if I am.

I think that it's something simple but it's complicated by relativity. For example: “To be great is to achieve your own idea of success.”

Perhaps one doesn't need to have any of those things then. 

Just a thought.

“Man's greatness lies in his power of thought.”
-Blaise Pascal quotes

Sarah Palin supporters unite...in stupidity...

I am completely in utter shock. My skin is crawling, and I can't even put together a coherent sentence of my opinion of this video. 

All I can say is, in all fairness, I'm sure there were Obama/Biden supporters that would sound just as stupid because they just don't care to learn.

Do you think it's human stupidity or American ignorance?

Oh my gosh, I want to forget I ever saw that. It's like a horror movie.

Wait...there's more...



Last one...I promise..



Um...I'm still just speechless. I really even hesitate to put this on my blog. Ugh..my skin is still crawling.

Mute green eyed monster...

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves. ~William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude, 1693

I have realized that I am a jealous person, and not the noticeably jealous, but the silently jealous. The kind that self destructs silently, all by myself. I don't even need help being jealous. I don't need my homegirls/homeboys telling bullshit to exacerbate the feeling, I do it all by myself. At times, I try little screams for attention, but they are rarely ever heard. It's like a messy battle. So to clean up my pitifulness, I allow my pride to step in and conceal the embarrassment. My pride sweeps up the worries and pitiful feelings. My pride edits all my future answers so that it "works." My pride shuts(or creates the illusion that it's shut) the door to the possibility of the object of affection being actually real/feasible. Ha. Take that, Emotion...until next time.  

Just a thought

This is my first time watching the video, and I just noticed a few things.

1. Do you think the reason why she decided to "look the other way" was more a cultural influence, socioeconomic class, or just pain?

2. I would like to think that the first time you notice your significant other "comfy" with another person, it's something you would address adamantly until you were both clear. In the video, it seems like she wanted it to seem as if she just "didn't see anything." I wonder why.

3. At the end, so what happens? She tries to fix her face to do what, welcome him home? To hide the fact that she knows something after he didn't come home all night? Do you think she tries to say something then?

4. The other woman's man seemed ticked off the entire movie too, which leads me to believe that it's either a pride thing, emotionally paining, or cultural thing. Why would he not say something either? Do people just not talk? Weird.

It's a beautiful song, but I really feel as if I was watching a short film and was left hanging.

My theory...supported.

I feel completely enlightened by a chapter in a book that I was reading called "The Post-American World" by Fareed Zakaria. Now, about a year ago, I had a theory about where America was headed. It was based off the principle that history repeats itself. It was my theory that, like England, the US would eventually fall to another "#1." England was considered the "father of America" because of where the the discoverers came from and how the country was founded. I proposed that America would inevitably fall to a new #1. I believe that America depended too much on their own reputation, which is fine. Anyhow, I proposed my theory to my favorite professor, and he only recommended that I read this book as a response. I read that chapter called "A Cup Runneth over" and, I believe that it helped me to see what he meant.

Though I traditionally don't tend to focus on any particular coverage from CNN for my news, this guy, Fareed Zakaria, has hit on some major points that I completely agree with. I will quote some things because I think they are particularly relevant to my theory. Starting with:

"Washington, D.C., has become a bubble, smug and out of touch with the outside world." Without much need for explanation, I know that there are many people that would agree with this. The reputation of the United States has preceded us, and we ride it until we are proven wrong. There are just some things that are out of our control because we really don't have the resources to back it up, at least in the long term.

The important thing that I wanted to note was that it's almost like the world wants to create an economic utopia, but secretly they want to be #1. It's a two faced pursuit which breeds mistrust and chaos. No country that is a superpower would really relinquish that title without a fight. It's a Catch 22. I honestly don't think that the US knew what the consequences were when they started the globalization crusade. I think the foundation was based on greed, and now it has backfired. "But now we are becoming suspicious of the very things we have long celebrated - free markets, trade, immigration, and technological change. And all this is happening when the tide is going our way. Just as the world is opening up, America is closing down." "...the United States succeeded in its great and historic mission - it globalized the world. But along the way, [future historians] might write, it forgot to globalize itself." 

I believe it's only a matter of time.